Sunday, 3 February 2013

How To Write About America

Always have the words "Big", "Divide", or "Patriotic" in your title. Subtitles may include "Obese", "Obese", "Obese", "Obese", "Obese", "Obesity Pandemic", "Drugs, "Guns" and "Congress fails to pass another bill".

Never have a picture of a skinny, well built white man on the cover or in the book, unless that man is Lance Armstrong. Always have a picture of a white man in cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. If you don't want that, you can have a picture of a fat white guy with a beer belly, a coke in each hand and a Big Mac in each cheek. If that still doesn't suit you, draw the native american with a long ponytail smoking cocaine. Make sure he's a hippy, devoted to mother earth and if he's not a drunkard, then make sure he's the wise elder of the whole "colony". If this is still not enough, just talk about the confused black kid. 

In your book, always treat America as one state and one state only. Texas. Because Texas is where you can find the gun-loving, violent cowboys (George Bush) and the Obese americans enjoying yet another 3$ for 2 double cheeseburger deal at McDonalds. If you really must, give a quick mention to Times Square because that's also a state in the U.S. It doesn't matter that America is filled with almost 10% Asian and 14% black because those that read your story will only be interested in the fat white people competing in yet another man vs. food contest. 

200 Pound 6 Year Old
Also, make sure to mention just how horrid the american school system is. Make sure that you depict the obese american in it's one other setting other than McDonalds(It will inevitably end up there anyways). School. Make your reader picture the 200 pound 6 year old still struggling to add up both index fingers to arrive at the conclusion that 1+1=2. Also, make sure that in all schools, food fights happen during every lunchtime. A lunchtime without a food fight is considered a wasted one. 

In your book, outside of the fat or native american you must always include a black kid. Because apart from another  2 lbs of sirloin at Outback Steakhouse, the only thing that makes an Obese white american feel satisfied is to read about the fact that there is actually someone who is worse off than them. Make sure that the black kid's mom is crazy and on drugs, whilst the black kid's dad is alcoholic and abusive towards the family. Make sure the black kid plays american football because it's the only way to escape from his horrible family situation. Also, a black kid not playing american football is like a Chinese not using chopsticks. The black kid must also belong to a gang because every street you turn in America(or should I say Texas) is filled with gangs.

I almost forgot: The most important thing to mention in your book is to quote Martin Luther King. Because contrary to popular belief, there is actually an educated black in the U.S.


The obese americans who are the only ones sad enough to read your book would absolutely hate it if you didn't mention every single one of the above. Because obviously all there is to America is obesity, guns and complete idiots.

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